The Importance of Forgiveness

“It’s not that we don’t like her. She’s nice and all, we just don’t want to hang out with her.” These were the words I heard my so-called friends saying about me just outside my dorm room as I stood, tears streaming down my face, with my ear to the wall. For the past five weeks, I had been telling my friends and family at home all about the most amazing friends I had made at the college summer program I was attending. So imagine my shock when, just days before the program ended, I overheard those very people talking about how they didn’t want me around right. Outside. My door. 

The purpose of this article is not to villainize those people or victimize myself, though. I would be a liar if I claimed I’ve never spoken about someone behind their back. I do my best to avoid it, especially after being the victim of it myself. But unfortunately, we’ve all done it. Even if we don’t do it ourselves, we’ll still find ourselves in conversations where others are talking about people who aren’t present. We can stay silent and pray to stay uninvolved, but silence is complicity on its own. The point being - we’ve all done things, and will likely do things in the future, that we are not proud of. Which is one reason why I forgave those girls for every hurtful word they said. 

They didn’t ask for my forgiveness. In fact, when I confronted them about what they said, they acted defensive. The ringleader of the conversation said, “It’s not like it’s illegal to have those opinions.” And she was right, I told her. It wasn’t illegal. But that didn’t make her words any less hurtful. And then I told each girl that I forgave them. I told them we could go our separate ways and they would get what they wanted and not have to hang out with me and I wouldn’t spend any more time being mad at them.

Because forgiveness really isn’t about giving the offender peace of mind. It’s about giving yourself peace of mind. I know firsthand how much energy it takes holding a grudge against someone. They did you wrong, and now they deserve their karma. You want everyone else to hate them as much as you do. At least, that’s my initial reaction to someone who does me dirty. More than anything, I want these people to see me and think, “How could I do that to a person?” But I guarantee you, those people don’t think about me. Or maybe they do and I should forgive them because they learned from their mistakes and don’t want to feel this guilty ever again. But the people who hurt you the most and don’t apologize may never see anything wrong with their actions. These are the people who make forgiveness so difficult. They move on and don’t think about you. Grudges may come in different forms for everyone, but for me, this is the most hurtful part. How come they can move on and I’m stuck thinking about them? Why shouldn’t I get that same liberty?

I’ve realized the only way to stop thinking about the people who did you wrong is to forgive them, no matter how impossible it may seem. Tell yourself that their actions don’t affect you anymore. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, and it’s definitely easier said than done. Even when I can say out loud that I forgive someone, I still feel that pang of hurt or anger when I see them. But if you can keep telling yourself you’ve moved on, then eventually you will. You’ll know you’ve mastered the skill of forgiveness when you see someone who hurt you and feel nothing but indifference. It’s a skill I’ll likely be working on for the rest of my life, but I’m glad to be at the stage where I can declare out loud that I forgive someone.

The saying, “forgive but don’t forget” certainly rings true. If someone really hurt you, then it may not even be possible to forget what they did. Still, I think Taylor Swift said it best: “Think of your energy as if it’s expensive, as if it’s like a luxury item. Not everyone can afford it. Like, not everyone has invested in you in order to be able to have the capital for you to care about this.” In other words, if someone hurts you, then you shouldn’t have to waste your energy on them because they don’t deserve your energy. I can convince myself that I’ve moved on once I say it out loud, and that’s why I tell people I forgive them. But as long as you can tell yourself that you’ve moved on, then that’s all you really need.